The girl who waited to be broken

In mental illness, the lack of respect for oneself is staggering. I’ve seen it all over every hospital, group, and treatment center I’ve been in. The illness, it doesn’t matter which, completely robs you of any self-love you may have had. It can make you hate yourself, regard yourself as something less than human. This gets me into trouble a lot, and the past few months are just another example of that.

I was seeing someone, it had been around a year now. My circle of friends is largely non-monogamous, myself and him included. He’s married, and I respect the FUCK out of his wife. I think she’s a wonderful person, and I wish she and I could be closer friends. I never expected a serious relationship with him, and we did keep our distance. Everything became strained a few months ago, though, and everything sort of went downhill from there.

Now, I will not demonize him in any way. He’s a great person, and hopefully with time we can salvage a friendship. He’s human, though, and made mistakes. We both made mistakes. He stopped talking to me just in general, and I saw him less and less often. This went on for months, and either I wasn’t clear when I brought it up or one of us dropped the ball, it doesn’t matter why it’s just that these problems were never fixed.

Here is where the lack of self-respect comes in: I waited for him. I waited for things to change, and every second of it hurt more and more. His intentions were never to hurt me, he just didn’t have any other way of handling everything that was going on (and outside of me, he was dealing with a lot) and we kind of lost control. The worst part was, even thought it hurt I didn’t see anything wrong with allowing myself to sit through it.

Then comes the knight in shining armor. My current partner came into the picture about a month ago, and he has been amazing to me. I won’t gush too much, but suddenly I started seeing myself in a different light. I realized that I deserved better than just waiting. Sitting on my suitcase just wouldn’t cut it anymore.

I couldn’t hold it in, I kind of barraged him with messages about how I was feeling and we met tonight at a Starbucks of all places. We sat there, and I tried to hold myself together. The conversation really wasn’t going anywhere positive, and I think we both knew that going into it. So he broke it off, and at that moment “My Guy” came on over the speakers and I wanted to just curl up under the table right then and there.

I held it together for a bit, but started to fall apart. I’m not okay, and won’t be for a little bit. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest, I’m on the verge of tears and I want to tear apart my face entirely. Rejection, self-sabotage and I have a long history, and I was already worried about a possible relapse.

I sit here, with my glass of gin waiting for my immense amount of sushi to be delivered, never wanting to deal with people again. I was up at 6 this morning crying because I couldn’t handle the sadness, hurt, and guilt of waiting anymore. I hurt physically because I threw myself into too much exercise today. I just want this feeling to be over.

Small victories, though: perhaps now I’m on the road to actually liking myself.

Well then. Fuck that.

I’ve been coming to the conclusion that I think I’ve always been meant to be alone.
I don’t deal well with people. I’m self-involved, head strong, self conscious and negative. But most of all I legitimately hate myself, and that makes trying to have any sort of relationship with anyone too difficult on both (or all) of us involved.
I’ve broken hearts because I’m crazy, I’ve ruined friendships because I just plain don’t know how to handle myself. Feelings scare me, on both ends, it doesn’t matter if they’re my feelings or someone else’s.
Maybe it’s time to just give up on romantic involvement. I clearly have no idea how to do it.

2012, fuck you. Fuck you with a rake.

Let’s review this year, shall we?

Rock bottom. I feel like this year has been the lowest I’ve sunk since I was bed bound in college. I honestly feel embarrassed right now writing this. This year was… I guess words can’t describe my feelings towards 2012. I’m about ready to throw it out the door and never think about it again. But, let’s review:

I spent New Year’s Eve flying with fetishists last year, and that was amazingly fun.

From December 26th of 2011 until early March of 2012 I was in the OCDI for my second round of treatment there. I didn’t get to everything that I wanted to conquer, but to this day I can leave my house without makeup and I haven’t had a really bad picking episode since. After the hardcore relapse I had before that (prior to the OCDI I was in a short term unit and an eating disorder treatment center) coming out of the OCDI again made me feel like a whole new person.

March and April I moved back to JP and started performance work again. I started work at the dog wash the week I left the OCDI, was practicing a few times a week, and getting back into “normal” life. Things were looking up, which was freeing to me. Halfway through April, I got an offer to work at a resort teaching circus. I told them that I wasn’t a flying trapeze expert, but that I was more of an aerialist and performer. They wanted me anyway.

May until late June I was down in Florida at this resort. I learned a lot, but I am so glad it ended early. The entire experience was so negative, the people toxic, and the company is horrid. At that point I was beginning to question my own ability to last there. Aside from being hospitalized because of that stomach-gross, it was interesting at least. It had to have something going for it, right?

Then I was back up here! YAY!

I moved back to JP, and spent July getting back into performing and life in general. I timed it pretty well apparently, my boss offered me my job back pretty much immediately, and I was able to hit the ground running in a lot of ways. Except for the pneumonia. Being hospitalized again after a fever for 5 days and being stuck with lungs full of ick was something else. It also brought back my childhood asthma. Lovely.

August was much of the same until about halfway through the month, I moved into a great apartment with awesome roommates. A week later, it burned down. Basically, it wound up being the worst birthday ever.

September I found out just how deep humanity will sink when many of the people I was closest to betrayed me in a way that still upsets me to think about. Let alone when I see them. Geek Girl kicked ass, though, and The Montreal Fetish Weekend was absolutely amazing. At least I had those to think about through the rest of the month.

October I found a new place to live! Yay! October and November were much the same. Performing, practicing, working.

December, I’ve had quite a few performances this month. I dropped the ball completely on one of them, which is frustrating and I still beat myself up over it. Practice, work, performance… it’s been a pretty good cycle, actually. Aside from when some jackass stole my purse. That was fucked up.

While the awesome things can stand on their own, this year has been tainted by loss, sickness, anger, and negativity. It’s so hard for me to keep looking up when wave after wave of destruction comes at me. I’ve been acting oddly, and I’m sick of being “that” person.

You know what kept me together this year? My friends. I have the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for. When I left the OCDI they made it known that I had their support. When I left for Florida they told me that they would miss me and they meant it. When I came back they joined me when I said “well fuck them anyway.” After the fire they jumped to our aid so quickly it was hard to believe. Even now, people always check on me. Everyone knows there is something wrong but only one person really understands the extent to which it goes.

I love you all. You take care of me, you help me, you make me laugh, you put up with me being a douchebag. This year can go climb a wall of dicks, but as long as I continue to have such an amazing group of people behind me, 2013 might not suck as much.

Maybe.

Here’s the fun part!
Goals for the new year!
-Get back my front-back splits
-HARD MODE: Turn them into oversplits
-Get my back to the point of getting my head under my butt
-Get together at least one 5-minute silks burlesque routine. I have no problem with a 5-minute silks routine, but doing a full striptease in one is going to be much more difficult.
-Press handstand
-Contortion handstand back up into a straight handstand
-Control the impending relapse
-Show others the kindness they have shown me

New video blog (AKA: Finally! An UPDATE!

It’s a quiet video, but here’s a quick synopsis: I suck, life sucks, maybe it’ll get better, probably not. Fuck it.

Anger

It’s been a while, internets. Recent developments: I found a place to live! It’s pretty, has two awesome chihuahuas, and is close to pretty much everywhere I need to go. I believe most of us have places to live at this point, which is so great to see. I don’t even have to worry about furniture, my friends are just too awesome to me. The money from the benefits is covering my first and deposit too, and I really can’t thank everybody enough for their generosity.

And I can’t forget the cruelty and malice of certain people.

People have been noticing how different I am. One person very dear to me said I “went from 24[not my real age, a little older than I really am] to 29 overnight” and I think that’s pretty accurate. I feel changed because of the fire, and I guess part of that is yet another few years added on. My boss had a conversation with me today about me slacking, and I know I’ve been slacking in my other professional pursuits. We were all joking about only having two weeks before people start telling us we should be better; the people around me are amazing enough to give me about a month and a half, and I can’t thank anyone enough for their patience.

I’ve been trying really hard to balance my “normal” life and still recover from the fire. Hopefully settling into my new place this weekend will get me back on track. It will give me some private time, and also get me out of what can only be described as a toxic environment.

My best friend was kind enough to let me stay with him, and while I could admit I was wrong I lashed out because I had no idea how to handle the situation I was in. Instead of approaching me about it, however, someone who I once called one of my best friends decided to side with someone who hates just about EVERYONE and try to get me kicked out. The rest of the house, being the sheep that they are generally follow the person who is the loudest. So they agreed with them, regardless of how close they once were to me.

I, and the people around me, have never been so disgusted in our lives.

My best friend stood up for me against the whole house. After what could only be described as the worst birthday ever, though, I had to make myself scarce. I had to become a gypsy. My stuff was at his house still, but they basically wanted me to be homeless. So I’ve been jumping around houses, trying to stay afloat. I haven’t had to sleep on a park bench yet, because I have such amazing friends, but not having a home and the feeling of betrayal has haunted me for weeks.

One of them I tried to be friends with before and would have none of it. Spoiled, uppity, and angry at the world for no reason whatsoever, they talk more shit than anyone I’ve ever met, but can’t take it. As soon as attention is drawn to them, and they have to examine what kind of malicious, husk of a person they are, the anger they always feel comes boiling out more. Muttering constantly to themselves around the house, you can feel the negativity feel the room whenever they walk by. Jealous, insecure, and self-righteous beyond belief, I’m not surprised when no one knows their name or anything about them.

The other I have stuck with for years. Helping them move from place to place when they were kicked out of houses for general douchebaggery. Turning the other way when they scammed people, spent money that wasn’t theirs, and generally acted in ways so inconsiderate that I have no words to describe it. The entire time people have warned me of what kind of asshole this person is, and I ignored it. Now I know the truth. Also self-righteous, they are a total hypocrite in every way. Narcissistic, rude, and generally unsavory, they will be completely stricken from my life. I’ve put up with a lot from them, but I cannot say I will tolerate it any longer.

Usually, for professional reasons, I won’t go into such detail about negative situations. But this goes above and beyond anything else I’ve encountered. Inexcusable in every way, and I know that I am not the only one who is livid about everything.

The gall, hypocrisy, presumption… it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. And my best friend has stood against a house of callous, horrendous people all on his own. The lies and slander that have been said will not be forgotten.

Karma’s a bitch. I hope they all remember that.

Petty

Okay, I’m just going to say this here: I’m immediately trashing any comments that are personal attacks. I can only compare one experience I’ve ever had to this fire, and you don’t want to hear anything about it right now. Trust me. Suck my dick, is basically what I’m saying. I’m a total charmer, I know. But at the end of the day, you’re the one hiding on the internet and attacking the girl who just lost everything, so how does that make you look?

It truly is amazing how quickly something like this can change or forge relationships. I’ve made some great new friends and even spoken to some about future artistic collaboration. People have surprised me with their kindness and generosity, and even just the words that they have had for us. I’m very lucky, very fucking lucky to be surrounded by such people.

People show their true colors in situations like this; for better or for worse. It’s sad to say, but there have been a few separate instances recently when I have found out who I need to reevaluate keeping close to. This isn’t just one person or circumstance, either. Luckily, the goodness in people has far outweighed the bad, but it still saddens me to see the way some people react to situations like this.

Updates on the Geek Girl show and coming projects soon, my brain is just completely overtaken by stuff like this right now. I’d be so happy if I could think of something other than the fire, though.

Kindness

I can’t help but lose it reading this article after all of the kindness shown to us after the fire.

Seriously. I still cry when I get emails about it.

Tips and traditions

I really hope that all of my friends can forgive me for my behavior lately. I’m at the point of utter numbness and defeat, and their patience and understanding has been absolutely phenomenal.

That being said, there’s been a bit of drama surrounding the next Geek Girl show.

Obligatory plug: https://www.facebook.com/events/316477628447829/

In traditional vaudeville/burlesque, tips are accepted and encouraged. I have never performed at a venue outside of New England where that wasn’t true. The taste level of us saying this has come into question… here’s the thing: I really don’t care.

Geek Girl is not a hardcore dance show. We model ourselves more after drag and cabaret-style shows. My background in burlesque I like to consider to be variety, and circus more than dance. That being said, we follow the model as such. Tips are encouraged, we love to know when people like our acts, we love the support of the audience and it helps people feel more involved with the show. We’re entertainers, we’re in front of people, live and in their faces, we are not just on screen. Interact, engage the people.

Now, we also love when people buy us drinks. That’s awesome too. We want to hang out with the audience, break the wall that often separates the performers from the audience. We aren’t above them.

We can send around a tip hat instead of having people hand us tips or try to stuff it in our clothes. We need our hands and clothes, after all. I won’t say no to a fiver thrown at the stage, though.

To some, it seems tacky. Backhanded comments have been made, all-out arguments have ensued. I can’t put it better than the great Amy Macabre has: Strippers get tips. Drag Queens get tips. And honey, we are both.

Haters gonna hate. My house caught fire, I don’t give a single fuck.

Living

This sucks. Seriously. I hate having to do this. But I simply cannot drive an hour everywhere I go anymore. I live all of 3-4 miles away from wherever I go, but it STILL takes me an hour to get there.

It wasn’t such a big deal when my job was nearby, when my friends were nearby, when I had SOME practice time here. I work in Cambridge, my practice space is in Somerville, and all of my friends are too. There is no reason for me to live in JP anymore and I hate that. I love my neighborhood, my apartment is great, my roommates are great… but the time and money for commuting is just too much. I get so anxious driving in traffic, and it can take anywhere from 15 minutes-over an hour to get to work. That’s kind of obscene, don’t you think?

I’ve been offered a room in a pretty sweet location in Central square.

Pros:

-Large room, two closets

-Large pretty much everything

-Awesome roommates guaranteed

-In the middle of Central, which is so convenient for both work and practice

-Low-maintenance roommates

 

Cons:

-No pets (I’d need to back out of the foster I’m currently in the middle of getting)

-Moving again

-The top end of what I can afford rent-wise

-Having to find a new roommate for this place

-Leaving an already great living situation

I have so many reasons to leave, but some good reasons to stay. I JUST settled in, but after just a month of the commute I’m already burnt out.

I’d feel like a jerk, though.

Sorry it’s been a while…

I’ve been trying to get life back in order. It seemed to be working, tonight was an exception.

For years, I’ve been used to sitting in a corner, watching my friends have fun and wishing I could do that. Wishing I could just go, dance and have fun without worrying about what I look like, what people are saying about me, or counting. As a performer, I’d love to be successful, proverbially (maybe literally) hit the big-time… but more than anything in the world I want to live as a normal person.

My daily thoughts hit a lot of touchy things. Nothing compares to the pain that comes with isolation. Complete and utter inability to be around people. I was sitting in my usual corner, wanting to go be with my friends so badly that it physically hurt… and I couldn’t do it.

I shouldn’t go out anymore. When I work at a club night it’s different, but nights like tonight make me a horrid mess. I can’t deal with it for much longer, and I don’t want to continue imposing it on anyone else.

I rarely give up… but I think I have to for now.

There’s a moment, when you’re sobbing hysterically into your steering wheel and lack the strength and state of mind to even start the car, when you accept that sometimes admitting defeat isn’t the worst thing in the world.