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Weight, nutrition, circus…
I made a discovery yesterday that brought on a little bit of a break down. In the past year I have put on almost 30 pounds.
That was me last February for Geek Girl Boston presents: Space Case burlesque. I was practicing several days a week, and running everyday. Looking at some of these older pictures, I am genuinely surprised that I managed that much activity. This was my second relapse into an eating disorder. Restriction and compulsive over exercising was starting to destroy my body at this point.
Running everyday and doing circus, I was averaging around 1200 calories a day.
In these pictures I still weighed a solid 20 pounds more than I did at my sickest.
This is the only picture from that period. I weighed around 100 pounds. I was wearing several shirts in this picture, but my measurements were around 34-24-34, and for someone who was originally a swimmer that is no fucking bueno.
So I sat in my room, crying for a little while about the number I saw on the scale. 156 pounds, the most I have weighed in my entire life. More than my pubescent “fat” phase, even. Today, though, something finally hit me: I need this weight.
Don’t get me wrong, I need to whittle an inch or two off of my waist, but no matter how thing I got my waistline has always been the one place that refused to lose anything. Ever.
This past year, I have practiced anywhere from 10-30 hours a week, and over the past six months I have added in a LOT of hand balance to my routine. My measurements are fairly similar now to what they were over the summer, 38-29-38. I’ve even managed to build some muscle and start to get a butt. A BUTT. I have never in my life had a butt!
Today, a friend I hadn’t seen for months walked into the studio as I was finishing up practice. She asked what I had been up to, so I said “Still doing aerial, but a ton of hand balance now.”
She said, “I could tell! Look at your arms!”
It was then that I realized that all of this weight (well, most of it) has come from building sheer muscle in my arms, back and shoulders. My biceps are a solid 13 inches around, which is kind of insane. My diet is no longer restricted to veggies, chicken and brown rice. I’ve been legitimately enjoying my food for the first time in years. I manage not to count calories, and once in a while when I do fall back into “behaviors” I recover easily and keep on moving.
So this is what recovery feels like.
Honestly, I look at those pictures and I want to look like that again. I want to be thin, I want to be small and graceful and beautiful. Then I remember that I was always tired, that I couldn’t work myself as hard as I needed to in order to improve. I was miserable all the time and I wound up relapsing into every possible symptom I had beaten in the past. I have more energy and stamina than I’ve ever had in my adult life now. Realizing that feels incredible.
I’m going to add some cardio in to help out with my waistline… but my body is a functioning, strong, machine. More circus. Forever.
Changes
This weekend, I had the pleasure of traveling to a different country to walk in an amazing fashion show and perform with a wonderful crowd of models, dancers, and kinksters. The whole experience was amazing, and getting out of Boston for a little bit was exactly what I needed to help dealing with the fire. A friend said “This weekend you don’t have to be the girl whose house caught on fire.” He was right.
At one point, I came to a drunken conclusion about needing to start from scratch and trying to change things for the better. Getting out of the sort-of-rut I felt myself getting into. Reconfiguring who “Fonda” is, and trying to evolve more as a performer from it.
Drunk me is an optimistic little fuck.
I got back, and between a debacle at work (which was in no way anyone else’s fault and I’m a total douchebag) and a couple different instances of personal rejection, bringing me back to the shitshow that was my birthday… well, I’m not feeling nearly as perky about the coming months.
I’m trying my best to focus on the huge amounts of support and love we have all received, but I really just don’t know how to handle it. Between the show on Thursday and my mindset, I’m not doing too well.