Sorry it’s been a while…

I’ve been trying to get life back in order. It seemed to be working, tonight was an exception.

For years, I’ve been used to sitting in a corner, watching my friends have fun and wishing I could do that. Wishing I could just go, dance and have fun without worrying about what I look like, what people are saying about me, or counting. As a performer, I’d love to be successful, proverbially (maybe literally) hit the big-time… but more than anything in the world I want to live as a normal person.

My daily thoughts hit a lot of touchy things. Nothing compares to the pain that comes with isolation. Complete and utter inability to be around people. I was sitting in my usual corner, wanting to go be with my friends so badly that it physically hurt… and I couldn’t do it.

I shouldn’t go out anymore. When I work at a club night it’s different, but nights like tonight make me a horrid mess. I can’t deal with it for much longer, and I don’t want to continue imposing it on anyone else.

I rarely give up… but I think I have to for now.

There’s a moment, when you’re sobbing hysterically into your steering wheel and lack the strength and state of mind to even start the car, when you accept that sometimes admitting defeat isn’t the worst thing in the world.